What Is Anger? Here's The Secret Fear That Causes 95% Of All Your Anger!

This last fear, Fear Number Five is the big one - it is the fear that causes 95% of all anger issues - 95% of your difficulties with people.

So far we have:

    Fear of Change
    Fear of Rejection
    Fear of Being Corner
    Fear of Losing your Pack

The question we are answering is "When would a horse stand and fight a sabre-toothed tiger instead of giving the danger signal to the rest of the herd and taking off running?

Now people start throwing out wild guesses:

For territory

Stallions will fight for the mares (translated that means they would fight a sabre-toothed tiger for sex?!)

Because it's a crazy horse??

OK, let's ask this question slightly differently: when would a horse fight another horse?

For territory

Stallions will fight for the mares (so it IS all about sex!?!)

For dominance

To chase a weaker stallion (or mare) out of the herd

These answers are all the right answers; but they all boil down to one underlying answer:

Horses will fight other horses for position in the pack and this is the Number One reason that people become difficult with each other: this is the Number One fear that causes the Safety Brain to take over.

FIGHTING FOR POSITION IN THE PACK

You'll know you are fighting for position in the pack when you hear yourself saying things like: "Because I said so." "Because I'm the mom." "Because I'm the boss." "Just do it my way." "My way is the right way." "Can you believe he said that?!" (underlying message is you would never say something like that. It's so wrong!)

You are fighting for position in the pack any time you judge someone else; anytime you consider someone else to be inferior or weaker; and any time you feel the need to prove yourself right; anytime you feel the need to persuade someone that YOU are right!

Take a look at yourself and the last time you got upset with someone: it was about proving they were wrong and you were right, right?!

FIGHTING FOR POSITION IN THE PACK - the Number One cause of anger - and it's all based on low self-esteem!

Jeanette Kasper -- Your Anger UnTangler
Defuse (or Delete) difficult people in your life. Neutralize your anger. DON'T smack them upside the head! No more bodies buried under the copier!

What Is Anger? Born Again Christians, Republicans, Democrats: Groups Founded On Low Self-Esteem

The Number One Fear that triggers Anger is the fear of appearing weaker than the next guy-I term it Fighting for Position in the Pack. We have to show the other person that we are right and he is wrong. Interestingly, the only time we ever feel the need to fight for position in the pack is on those issues where we have low confidence-low self-esteem.

On those issues where you are totally confident in your beliefs, people can challenge what you've said, challenge your opinions and you'll discuss it with them for a while and then, if they continue to disagree, you are O.K. with that. You walk away still completely settled in your belief and allowing them to have their beliefs. You might, in the back of your head, still think they are wrong, but you have no problem with them holding a different belief. You also have no emotion around them holding a different opinion.

It's a totally different story around issues, opinions and beliefs where you are not 100% self-confident. With those issues where you have to prove that your opinion or your belief is THE RIGHT ONE which means any differing opinion is wrong, these are issues, beliefs and opinions where you have low self-esteem or low self-confidence and the only way you can feel comfortable with your opinion or belief is when you get the other person to agree with you. When they don't agreed, they've proven that they are dangerous, your Safety Brain takes over and you get defensive and go on the attack-getting irritated, frustrated or outright angry that they can't see the obvious-that you are right and they need to concede the point and see things YOUR way!

And that's what Evangelical Born-Again Christians do. That's what hard-core Democrats do. And that's what dyed-in-the-wool Republicans do. Each of these is unable to accept that you get to have a different opinion, a different point of view. They will argue with you. They will continually point out your "flawed thinking" in your beliefs. And they will finally get very upset and have nothing to do with you if you won't change your beliefs. These three groups have ended friendships, sundered families and created huge disharmony in businesses and neighbourhoods with their insistence on "my way or the highway" mentality.

There is no better illustration of anger based on low self-esteem than these three organizations. So the organizations themselves foster the "us-against-them" philosophy. These three organizations' Evangelical Born-Again Christians, hard-core Democrats, and dyed-in-the-wool Republicans are founded on the need to prove that they are right and everyone else is wrong. These organizations will only attract people who already have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. Those who are more confident and willing to let others have their differing opinions will be turned off by the insistenceof the "we are right and everyone else is wrong" mentality and won't stick around as members.

These are the big examples of anger and attacks base on low self-esteem and low self-confidence but the little examples surround us and cause a lot of anger, irritation, frustration, and annoyance in a day.

And here's the cure. So we can instantly cure Evangelical Born-Again Christians, hand-core Democrats and dyed-in-the-wool Republicans! Please hole up your right hand and take this oath.

I, _____________________________ (state your full name) do fully understand, realize, and know that others are different. Not right. Not wrong. Just different. They don't need fixing!

_________________________________ ____________________

Sign your name today's date

Remember, you took a solemn oath!

And I promise you, if you live by this oath, 75% of your anger issues will disappear!

Jeanette Kasper -- Your Anger UnTangler
Defuse (or Delete) difficult people in your life. Neutralize your anger. DON'T smack them upside the head! No more bodies buried under the copier!

What Is Anger? STOP Standing Up For Other People!

So far we have covered three fears that are the underlying causes of anger:

    Fear of Change
    Fear of Rejection
    Fear of Being Corner

We're looking for Fear Number Four. Remember, the question we are answering with these last three fears is: "When would a horse stand and fight a sabre-toothed tiger."

When Cornered, was the first answer. The second one is:to protect someone in the pack who is weaker.

A horse will stand and fight a sabre-toothed tiger to give the rest of the herd time to run to safety. We are exactly the same as that herd of horses. We won't stand and fight a sabre-toothed tiger just for the fun of it-we'd be lunch! But if someone in our pack is threatened, we'll stand and fight.

I think every one of us has done this. Have you ever stood up for someone else, a child, a family member, a coworker, in situations where, if that person had said or done the same thing to you, you would have just shrugged it off and not said anything?

Absolutely. We will all do this.

So what exactly is the Fourth Fear that triggers our need to attack-our anger?

The fear would be Fear of Losing Our Pack

We are a pack animal. We wouldn't survive in the animal kingdom alone. We needed our pack: many eyes, many ears looking for danger. So we will protect those in our pack who we consider weaker than we are.

And WE NEED TO STOP IT!

STOP STANDING UP FOR OTHERS! STOP STANDING IN FRONT OF OTHERS!

(Oops! Was that my outside voice?! - I wonder if I can say it stronger?!)

Why would you stand up for someone else? Because you think they are weaker than you are.

The only person you should stand up for is a child who is too young to stand up to an adult him or herself. HOWEVER, give your children the tools, the freedom and the support to handle situations on their own.

I distinctly recall my daughter, in Fourth Grade, having difficulty with a teacher. We talked about it. We talked about what she needed to talk to the teacher about, and then she had a meeting with her teacher (I was there as moral support, a fly on the wall. I didn't say a word!) She handled the conversation. Her teacher was open to talking to her. And they resolved the issue.

My youngest son had difficulty with one of his bosses at a restaurant he worked at when he was 15 years old. We talked over the situation. He decided what he needed resolved. He used me as a sounding board to figure out what to say and how to say it and HE had the conversation with his boss (I didn't even get to be a fly on the wall for that one!) and he resolved the issue.

Those are just my children, as I've taught them to have those difficult conversations. Allow your family, your children, your coworkers, your staff to stand up for themselves.

If you think you are doing them a favour - YOUR NOT! You are causing more problems.

It's their relationship, not yours. They've agreed to the rules in their relationship. The proof is, that's how they do their relationship. The question you seriously need to ask yourself is "What does how they do their relationship have to do with me?" The answer is nothing. If you are looking at someone else's relationship and you're getting defensive, you really need to work on just paying attention to yourself give others' permission (in your head!) to do their relationship the way that works for them.

Jeanette Kasper -- Your Anger UnTangler
Defuse (or Delete) difficult people in your life. Neutralize your anger. DON'T smack them upside the head! No more bodies buried under the copier!

What Is Anger? You WILL Be Angry A Minimum 35 Minutes And Maybe ALL DAY!

Your Safety Brain sees danger. SLAM goes the gateway between your Safety Brain and your Thinking Brain. The Safety Brain takes over... how do I get safe? Anger is our attack. If you get angry, irritated, annoyed, frustrated, right through to raging, you are in attack mode. That's what anger really is.

One of the big problems with the Safety Brain is when it first sees danger, it floods the body with adrenaline which triggers all kinds of neurological and chemical reactions within the body.

Once the Safety Brain takes over, it will be a minimum of 35 minutes and maybe all day before you can re access your Thinking Brain, truly calm down and get anything done.

Think about this: how long is the longest fight you've ever been in... hours... days... weeks?!

Have you ever had it happen where you had a bad day at work. Just a really bad day. You couldn't WAIT to get out of there! And you get in your car thinking "Yes. I'm OUTTA there!" But you can still feel some of the turmoil in your body. The chemicals are still there.

So, you start driving home and there are IDIOTS! on the road! RRRRRRGGGGGGG! People cutting you off. Morons who can't change lanes properly! Idiots driving too darned slow. With each one of these thoughts you are flooding your body with more and more adrenaline, more and more 'negative' neurological and chemical reactions.

You finally get home and you are NOT in a good mood. Who gets the brunt of your attack-your anger? Your spouse or partner? Your kids?

OR you start the morning and everything that could go wrong before you got out the door went wrong! You get in your car and there are STILL idiots on the road. GRRRRRRRRR! You finally get to work and get out of the car thinking "OK, I'm here. It's all good." (So far, you've had at least two hits of adrenaline, maybe more!)

You open the door to your office building and the very first person you see is THAT PERSON! GRRRRRRR! (Another hit of adrenaline and the negatives that go with it!)

"OK. OK. You're thinking to yourself. I'll just go to my desk and get to work." You get to your desk, sit down and find that people have dumped all kinds of work on your desk overnight! GRRRRRR! "OK. OK. I'll just go get a cup of coffee." And as you poured yourself some coffee some idiot comes along, knocks your elbow and you spill the coffee all over yourself! GRRRRRRR!

And this is what happens all day. Before you have the 35 minutes it takes to physically clear out your system, something else happens. It's like there's a crack in the dyke. Something else happens and your body FLOODS you with more adrenaline and negatives. It's obvious that there is HUGE danger out there today.

Have you ever gone through one of those days where you got to work in a bad mood and you just couldn't quite calm down. It was one thing after another after another. And by the end of the day you were exhausted and all you had really accomplished was busy work. You weren't able to actually settle in and concentrate on anything.

That's the Safety Brain and the need for that 35 minutes to clear your body and your brain. Instead, what happened all day was that you were hyper alert for danger - your body was at 100% ready to fight the sabre toothed tiger.

There are 10 Quickies For Calming Down Fast that you can get for free on my website. Check it out.

From now on, if you get to work in a bad mood, I want you to walk around the block TWICE before going into the office. I promise you, you and everyone around you will have a much better day!

Jeanette Kasper -- Your Anger UnTangler
When you truly understand that anger is an attack, triggered by only 5 possible fears, your ability control anger goes up.

What Is Anger? The Third Fear Is The Secret To Make Believe Emotions Like Stress!

Fear #1 that triggers the Safety Brain to take over? Fear Of Change

Fear #2 that triggers everyone's Safety Brain to take over? Fear of Rejection

What is fear Number Three?

We'll look from a different angle. There are only three reasons that a horse would actually stand and fight a sabre-toothed tiger. For the most part, one of the herd would see the sabre-tooth tiger coming and give the danger signal and the whole herd would take off running. That's what humans are like. However, just like horses, there are three reasons that a human would stand and fight a sabre-toothed tiger. These are our last three fears.

So the question is: what is ONE reason that a horse would stand and fight a sabre-toothed tiger?

Fear Number Three is Cornered. If a horse is cornered and it can't run, then it will fight, it has no choice. It's either fight or die and probably fight AND die as a sabre-toothed tiger has the advantage!

Humans are the same way but often, cornered for us, is psychological. If we feel we have no choice, we've tried everything else; we will get defensive and attack.

Feeling cornered doesn't make sense. There are ALWAYS choices; always 100 or more ways of handling any situation. To feel cornered means that we've narrowed our focus to two choices. We either have to "do it their way" or explode - get defensive and attack.

And of course that's not true.

This is the only cause of stress. In my one-day workshop "Stress Management for Women" and "Stress Management for Professionals" people start to realize that there really is only one cause of their stress.

It's their thoughts and beliefs that "I'm cornered." "I have no choice." "I'm stuck in a rut." "There's nothing I can do about it." "I have to do it this way (his way; her way; the company's way... )"

When you listen to someone talking about how stressed they are, they will actually say one of the above phrases or something close to it.

And it's not true. There are always a hundred, a thousand, even a million choices on how to handle a situation; what to do about a person; how to overcome circumstances. But once we start telling ourselves that "There's nothing we can do about it!" our safety brains take over, we're stuck in illogical, irrational thinking, and we start building the feeling of being cornered, because we repeat the thought out loud and in the backs of our heads, over and over and over.

So here's a quick-fix for those of you experiencing some stress.

When you feel the stress coming on, repeat this sentence until you feel the sense of release.

"I have chosen to handle this situation the way I'm handling it. There are other choices."

That's it. That's all you have to do to get your Safety Brain to release it's hold and allow your Thinking Brain back in the loop where you can decide to handle the situation different. To get your Safety Brain to release you simply engage in the logical thought process that you do have other choices. You might not make any of those other choices, but they exist!

We still have to explore the last two fears that trigger the Safety Brain to take over.

Jeanette Kasper -- Your Anger UnTangler
Defuse (or Delete) difficult people in your life. Neutralize your anger. DON'T smack them upside the head! No more bodies buried under the copier!
Get Mrs. Kasper's first best-seller "Anger Is NOT An Emotion" to completely understand how our Safety Brains work and how easy it is to gain control of your anger, and deal with other angry, difficult people in your life. You'll get thousands of tips, tricks, and techniques for remaining calm in the face of others' anger, AND in not letting your anger take over!